Okay, I'm Back! What'd I Miss?

It's good to be back!
Oh, who am I kidding? I would've given my left arm to stay on that beach in Aruba. But return to the real world I must. And have. Oh, God, I hate it here! Someone come save me!


Anywayyyyyyyy. . .
 
So what did I miss whilst I was gone?
 
Oh, no. Wait. First let me tell you, dear readers, what I learned while on vacation.
 
1. The thong is back!



At least in Aruba it is. Good God a'mighty, I thought we'd seen the last of them back in the '90's, but apparently not! Dear readers, dear kind, gentle readers, I can not tell you the horrors I have seen lo these past several days. They were everywhere!!!!

  

 

 

Dear sweet lovely readers, I implore you. Spread the word. People must be made aware that whether you are young, pretty and fit or "normal," we don't need to see that much butt. It's too much! Whether your buttocks look like a statue of a Greek goddess's caboose or like a strip of cloth between two grocery bags full of golf balls, we don't want to see it. Especially if you have small children whose faces are at butt-height. No one wants to watch your children's future nightmares.

 

 

2. My fear and loathing of the Iguana may technically qualify

 as a full-blown phobia.

 

 

Look out! There's one now!

 

 

 

Not cool, internet. Not cool..

 

I know it's not rational. I'm pretty sure they're relatively harmless, and they certainly don't seem aggressive, but I will walk 20 feet out of my way to go around one. Because, come on. Look at them! they're obviously pure evil! I mean, Jeezus, their tales look like fucking king snakes! And what kind of non-evil creature has that sort of thing dangling from it's chin?

 

 

 Don't kid yourself, he'd peck your face off as soon as look at ya!

 

I think that in the hierarchy of evil animals, obviously the alligator is Satan. And that makes Iguanas his demon minions.

 

 

 

Canine Hitler? Probably.



 

And these vile, loathsome creatures are as ubiquitous as bare buttocks at the Holiday Inn Palms Beach. Some people even feed them.  Most small children aren't even afraid of them, which makes me feel a bit like a coward, but mostly like I'm just smarter than these small children who are about to have their souls taken from them.

 

 

 

How may I serve you, my dark Lord?

Kill my parents? Yes, master!

 

3. I'm really glad we don't pay for HBO

 

I'm not saying they don't have some good stuff. I hear Game of Thrones is supposed to be quite compelling.  But none of the good stuff is ever on when we are in a hotel with HBO. I didn't get to see "Girls," so I'm still not sure whether I'm supposed to love or despise Lena Dunham, which makes me feel like less of an engaged citizen somehow. (Tiny Furniture was pretty good) No, we get "True Blood." Good God, what a ridiculous show. And not because it's about vampires. I have no problem suspending disbelief for a good show. I'm a big fan of The Walking Dead and Orphan Black. And I loooooved Carnivale. But the episode of True Blood we tried to sit through, which, by the way was voted a fan favorite or viewer's choice or whatever, so it's not like we just caught them on a bad night or something, this was supposedly one of the best episodes, and I totally lost control of that sentence about 20 words ago.

Anyway, it's just a bad show.  Just bad writing. You can do a show about vampires. You just can't have a "vampire terrorist" fighting for "vampire rights" by killing a reporter on TV. And you can't have a character find out that she has faerie anscestry and that puts her in danger because faerie blood is the most delicious type of blood to a vampire. It's just too stupid!

 

 

And you don't deserve Christopher Meloni!

 

 





Also, HBO has Bill Maher who, as previously noted, is a prick. A smug, self-impressed little prick. I happened to see a minute of him doing a one-on-one interview with someone I didn't recognize when the subject of Jay-Z came up. Maher said he likes Jay-Z because "him and his girl" don't get into any trouble or something like that. Oh, I'm sorry, Bill Maher, when you say "his 'girl'" are you referring to worldwide superstar Beyonce'? Is that who you you're referring to, you misogynistic little asshole? Beyonce'?  The international super-platinum phenomenon? That's the "girl" whose name you can't bother to remember? God, I can't stand Bill Maher! (And a special welcome to those of you who found this page by using the search term "Bill Maher Is A Dick")

 

So what did I miss? I think I'm going to wait another day to find out. I'm pretty sure I'm going to be happier not knowing.





Vacation!

We're going to be out of town for about a week. I can't imagine there will be any blog postings. Maybe Twitter if our hotel has wi-fi.

Se ya, suckas!

Military Rapes are Everyone's Fault. (Except the Rapists')

You might think, when you hear about one person raping another person that the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the first person, the one doing the raping. But that is only because you are a "normal person" who lives in the "real world." Let's take a visit to the right-wing parallel universe and see who is actually to blame in that dimension.

1. Khmer Rouge Feminists:
Michael Savage and Allen West

And here you thought that strong women were "feminazis!" No, that was yesterday. Now they're Femi-Khmer-Rouge-ists.
(via)

Savage, who hosts Cumulus Media Networks' Savage Nation, began the segment by playing audio of Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) talking about changing the military chain of command in sexual assault cases. After saying Gillibrand "sounds like a college chick at a dorm," Savage told guest West: "When I watch these Khmer Rouge feminists try to take over the military, this looked like an attempted coup to me, Colonel West."

West replied: "Nah, you're absolutely right and that's a big concern that I have because when you start to get -- you know, I understand civilian oversight of the military. We all understand that as all officers who served in uniform. But when you start to have this interjection of, you know, political, you know, will against, you know, the military, good order and discipline, where you start to try to usurp the commanders' authority and I guess replace it with some type of political, legal officers, and things of that nature. Then the next thing you know, it goes from just dealing with this, you know, sexual assault thing to, you know, making decisions on the battlefield."

Savage and West went on to discuss whether sexual assaults in the military are actually a problem. When West said that "there may be a problem, without a doubt, with sexual assault," Savage interrupted by claiming that sexual assault claims can include men asking women out for "a beer." He then asked West, "how many of them are fraudulent claims? We don't know, do we?"

See? Women are making up claims of sexual assault whenever they are asked out on dates so that civilian oversight of the military can . . . um, something. Something bad, I guess. But it involves 'chicks' taking over the military and putting it under civilian control which is totally not what the Constitution says!


2. Pornographers:
Senator Jeff Sessions

During the recent Washington DC hearings on sexual assaults in the military, Sessions had this salient point to bring up:

(Via)

SESSIONS: Mr. Chairman, I’d just add a letter, a document here that was given to me from Morality in the Media. Pat Truman used to be in the Department of Justice. I knew him when he was there. He points out that, a picture here of a newsstand and an Air Force base exchange with, you know, sexually explicit magazines being sold. So, we live in a culture that’s awash in sexual activity. If it’s not sold on base, it’s right off base. There are videos and so forth that can be obtained, and it creates some problems, I think.

And as we all know, pornography is totally not readily available to the civilian public which is why no one is ever raped outside of the military! And obviously the soldiers aren't to blame, because once a young man has been exposed to a copy of Hustler magazine, he can't possibly be expected to behave like a civilized human being. If any one of you out there ever accidentally saw a picture of a naked lady you'd turn into a rutting animal too. Which is why pornography is illegal in this country!

3. Hormones:
Senator Saxby Chambliss

(via)

The young folks that are coming into each of your services are anywhere from 17 to 22, or 23,” Sen. Saxby Chambliss, R-Ga., said at a Senate Armed Services Committee meeting on military sexual assaults. “Gee whiz, the level -- the hormone level created by nature sets in place the possibility for these types of things to occur. So we've got to be very careful of how we address it on our side.”

Because anyone who has ever had contact with a 17-23-year-old male and says she wasn't raped is just a damn liar! Every 17-23-year-old male is so awash in hormones that he is physically unable to prevent himself from assaulting any woman within groping distance. Gee whiz! Everyone knows that!


 4. The Gays:
Mike Huckabee and Gen. Jerry Boykin (Ret)

 

 

Family Values!

And now here's a song about fucking underage groupies.

(Via)

Huckabee: General, there has been such a rash of sexual assault in the military and it’s become virtually epidemic. I wanted your assessment, do you think this has anything to do with the fact that we’ve so liberalized the policies of everything from women in combat, the whole conception of the separation of the gender, as well as saying we’re not going to have any restrictions on homosexuals in the military? Does that have anything at all to do with this?

Boykin: Well I think it has everything to do with it, Governor. We have seen, if I may use this term, a sexualization of our military with social engineering. One of the things that most of the people don’t realize is in a recent survey there are actually more men that have been sexually assaulted than women. We are trying to violate the laws of nature, failing to recognize that these young men and women are at the peak of their sex drive when we try to mix the genders for reasons that to me are illogical and in doing so what we are doing is we are inviting this kind of behavior,
Okay, to be fair, it's not just the fault of the gays. It's also because we've made this crazy decision to have men and women in the same place. Everyone knows that men and women must be kept separate at all times, lest the men be unable to resist the temptation of female flesh and act on their lust in the most violent inhuman way imaginable. That's why we should follow the example of Saudi Arabia where women are kept separate from men and no sexual assaults ever take place and everyone's happy!


5. The Gays AND The Womens:
Frank Gaffney

 

 We’re hearing a lot about sexual assaults in the military and the like, it’s not to defend that by any means but it is to say if anybody is surprised that by putting more women and for that matter homosexuals into the military you are not going to get as a result that kind of unacceptable behavior is fatuous, it’s irresponsible, it’s malfeasance, is what it’s amounts to.

I'm not sure what 'homosexuals" have to do with the rape problem, but generally it's a safe bet that they're to blame for pretty much everything in this parallel universe.

Fuck You, Neil Munro

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you with John Holmes' mummified penis, fuck you.
 
You have the indecency to write this:

Those broader problems include stress and sadness, which are medically dubbed “anxiety” and “depression” by professionals. . .Americans have typically responded to stress and sadness by urging stoicism, hard work, marriage, prayer and personal initiative, and by stigmatizing unemployment and passivity

in your assholish little article for the pathetic Daily Caller?  What the fuck do you know about depression and anxiety?

Let me tell you a little something about depression. Depression is NOT sadness. Sadness is what you feel when your dog dies or your girlfriend breaks up with you. Depression is an all-consuming emptiness, a dark void in which there is no hope. You have no idea what you are talking about unless you've been there. I've been fighting the demon for as long as I can remember, and it is a daily struggle to go through the motions of everyday life.

The best analogy I can come up with to explain it to people who haven't experienced it is this: imagine being hungry. Extremely hungry. You open the refrigerator and there is all kinds of food inside. You got pizza, you got lo mein, you got turkey and stuffing, every kind of food you can imagine. And none of it looks good. In fact, you don't think you could really stomach any of it. And when you do try to eat something, you find you have no taste buds. Whatever you do manage to eat is bland, dry and tasteless and doesn't help your hunger. So you eat enough to stay alive and hope that next time therfe will be something in the fridge that tatses at least a little pleasant. That's what life is like with the demon. Zoloft helps. But the demon never goes away. And you think the problem is that there's not enough stigma? Fuck you, you ignorant piece of shit.

For a better description of depression by a better writer, check out Hyperbole and a Half.

Jackass of the Day

Today's outstanding jackass: Judge Edith Jones!

 

Federal judge accused of making racial comments

 

June 4, 2013, 6:42 pm

Jones is accused of saying that certain "racial groups like African-Americans and Hispanics are predisposed to crime," and are "prone to commit acts of violence" and be involved in more violent and "heinous" crimes than people of other ethnicities.

Sure, because it's not like judges are supposed to be un-biased or anything!

Holy shit! Did she actually say this out loud?

Her comments were not recorded, but five students and one attorney who were in attendance signed affidavits on what was said.

Okay, then. So she's a huge racist. Yawn. What else ya got?

The complaint also states that Jones said defendants' claims of racism, innocence, arbitrariness, and violations of international law and treaties are just "red herrings" used by opponents of the death penalty

Innocence? You know, I could give you "international law" or "arbitrariness" maybe, but innocence? Innocence is a red herring? Isn't innocence kinda the main thing? Does she mean that defendant's claims of innocence are always lies? Because that at least has some sort of logic to it, even though it's demonstrably false, but how is innocence a "Red Herring?"
 

red herring: noun

something that distracts attention from the real issue

Examples of RED HERRING:

The argument is a red herring. It actually has nothing to do with the issue.

 

. . . and that claims of "mental retardation" by capital defendants disgust her. The fact that those defendants were convicted of a capital crime is sufficient to prove they are not "mentally retarded," the complaint alleges Jones to have said.

Um,

Federal court clears way for execution of mentally disabled Georgia man

And,

Supreme Court Outlawed Executing Mentally Retarded, But Texas Does It Anyway

And um,

Scalia Denies Stay, Allows Execution of Mentally Retarded Man in Texas

But sure. Yeah, the mentally disabled are never executed. Not in this great land of ours.

Oh, but it gets worse.

 

 

 

Okay, maybe not worse, but just as bad.

 

 

According to Think Progress: "she wrote a dissenting opinion claiming that a woman who “was repeatedly propositioned, was groped and grabbed, [had] pornography [] placed in her locker, and [had] other employees broadcast[] obscene comments about her over the company’s public address system” did not experience sexual harassment."

 

I guess she was never harassed in the same way that the mentally disabled are never executed?

 

  She also said the death penalty provides a public service by allowing an inmate to “make peace with God,” citing an article called “Hanging Concentrates the Mind,” according to the Austin Chronicle.

 

I feel so at peace!

 



 

 

 

 

 But, also according to TP, she is a frequent recipient of something I was unaware of, judicial junkets.

 

This is a very disturbing practice in which judges attend corporate-sponsored "legal education" activities before ruling on cases which affect those corporations.

 

The Center for Public Integrity reports:

 

After all, the Center found instances where judges traveled to seminars paid for by oil companies, the American Petroleum Institute, or the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and later issued rulings favoring some of those same sponsors. . .   And, there is nothing illegal about having the trip paid for by corporations who in some cases are also litigants before the federal courts.

 

 

Because if corporations are allowed to buy the Congress, Senate, White House and regulatory agencies, why should the courts be any different?